Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The biggest mystery of our time
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
cats when you pet them too long:
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My apartment is a mess, I should move
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss