What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.