Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
wait.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?