“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Noah was an idiot.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
i made a craigslist ad !
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.