Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.