The French word for sex is croissant.
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.