My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
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Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The Others (2001)
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.