moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.