I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
You Might Also Like
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy