Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
my retirement plan is braless
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.