I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”