Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m literally crying
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.