I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“i miss shittin on people”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Plant care tips
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.