If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio