SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Am getting real tired of your crap…
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
mom had nothing to worry about
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.