A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
No selfies while hijacking a train.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog