Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
🐕🍷
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”