HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad