[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
🤣🤣🤣
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough