When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
You Might Also Like
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
so i’m at the stock market right
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Welcome
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?