Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong