A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
mentally somewhere in italy
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
What
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat