wtf is an acronym
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.