Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’m pretty like a car crash.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood