The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower