People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.