Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
this is how life feels
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.