Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”