My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I didn’t come here to be called names
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.