There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me