[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
crochet youtube is brutal
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
paddle faster i hear baby shark
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening