water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?