First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*