i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
You Might Also Like
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
want me to check your oil?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.