My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
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Sponch
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Alexa: *deep breath*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes