Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home