Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”