I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
happy friday
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.