Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
😂😂😂
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Put the is in disheveled
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer