Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
You Might Also Like
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
some things should go without saying
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Why am I like this?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle