Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant