If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.