Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
You Might Also Like
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When you’ve simply given up.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?