Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
good work, everybody
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.