Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Sex so good you see dead people.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.