My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.