Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?