[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
This is a true ally.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
He-man has a Masters degree
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.