That’s classic.
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”