I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Does beer think about me too?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.